Your eyes blink open and you sleepily roll over to your nightstand. It's only 2:00 a.m.?  Restless and frustrated, you peel yourself from the sheets and grab your laptop. You flip the screen on and squint as the bright blue light suddenly illuminates your dim bedroom. It starts off slowly at first. You crank out a few Google searches to distract yourself, yet quickly find yourself Googling something more exciting.  You tap on the keys and the words "porn hub" appear on your Google search. Like a fly in a spider web, you're already ensnared. Nothing seems to satiate your appetite in your search to find “just the right” clip to get off to. You’re finding that what used to satisfy, no longer does. “MILF…” “Japanese…” “Threesome…” Eventually, that does it. You finally work yourself up enough to orgasm.  Yet immediately, you flip your laptop screen shut and feelings of shame fill your mind: how did I end up doing this again? Our culture’s relationship to porn exists on a spectrum, both in deed and thinking. Is porn bad? Is it morally neutral? Is it just a harmless habit? You may find the above experience to describe your life to a tee. Or maybe you wouldn’t even say you struggle with porn. It’s just something you do occasionally.  Yet undoubtedly there remain some of you that clicked this blog because you want to know how to stop watching porn. You may even say you have a full-on porn addiction.  "Hold up, an addiction?"  Addiction is somewhat of a "taboo" word in our society that's often reserved for things like drugs and alcohol. However, leading research makes a compelling case that porn is a drug. An emerging non-profit, Fight the New Drug, was founded in 2009 with the mission to enlighten people on the damaging effects of porn on both other people and our own minds.  And if you break down the word addiction, it's defined as "the condition of being unable to stop using or doing something as a habit, especially something harmful" by the Oxford Dictionary.  The keyword in that phrase is "harmful."  If this topic seems morally ambiguous to you, perhaps a better starting point to this conversation would be learning about the history of porn, the science of porn and the impact porn is having on our society. But let's say you’ve learned all about that, and you want to get past the formalities.  You want to know how to stop watching porn. You have a full-blown porn addiction, or at the very least, a pesky porn habit.  Pornhub reported in 2019 that there were over 42 billion visits to their website, so statistically speaking porn addictions are certainly not uncommon. And while porn might be the specific vice here, it bears similarities to those who struggle with binge drinking or binge eating even though they recognize that it’s not exactly beneficial for them. As with any addiction or harmful habit, the first step is to recognize it, name it, and start by giving yourself grace. The very first step in the Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) program is to "admit we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable."  That first admission is not an indictment but rather a first step to healing. This principle works with almost anything. If you want to get extremely fit, you have to recognize the areas you need to train and grow in.  So as you read this blog, remember that overcoming porn addiction is not about white-knuckling it or shaming yourself into change. Neither of those are helpful. There are practical steps to curbing your porn habit that infuse both internal and external change.  Just like pulling weeds, we have to go beyond the surface level and get to the heart of what's creating this compulsive habit. Keep in mind that this isn't going to be a quick easy fix: one of the primary reasons why being patient and graceful in this process is so important. If you're looking for a miracle pill on how to stop watching porn, this isn't the blog for you. However, if you're willing to dive into this topic open-handed and genuinely seeking meaningful change, we invite you to walk through this with us. We're not experts, but rather people who have lived it and seen the positive outcomes of curbing porn and its perceived hold over our lives.

What you believe about something will inform how you interact with it. That's just common sense. If you think McDonald's is healthy and harmless, what's stopping you from hitting the drive-thru for a couple McChickens every day?  Similarly, even if we are aware of our porn habit, yet aren’t fully convinced of the extent in which it impacts us, we will be more inclined to just consume it when we’re aroused or bored. Whether spiritually-motivated or not, belief is a critical component in the conversation over how to quit porn. Fight the New Drug, for instance, is not religiously affiliated, yet they hold to the view that watching porn is harmful. However, even many of their own refrains to resist porn are rooted in the philosophy of Jesus. This may surprise you, given how common it is to have an upbringing that were primarily sex-negative in the church context.  Yet we would propose that any guilt-based approach learned growing up, whether it was religiously motivated or not, is not helpful, and is certainly not the way of Jesus.  Jesus, contrary to popular brief, has an incredibly compelling view on sex and porn that is scientifically-proven to lead to healthy sex lives. Here’s what he has to say on the subject of sexual fantasy: “You know the next commandment pretty well, too: ‘Don’t go to bed with another’s spouse.’ But don’t think you’ve preserved your virtue simply by staying out of bed. Your heart can be corrupted by lust even quicker than your body. Those ogling looks you think nobody notices—they also corrupt.” (Matthew 5:27-28, MSG) Now this might appear to be sex-negative at first glance, but as we dive deeper, we discover that it is anything but. In fact Jesus actually encourages an erotic sex life in the right context.  There’s even an entire book, the Song of Songs, dedicated to the topic of sexual intimacy and pursuit. So keep in mind that when Jesus dissuades us from sexually fantasizing about others, which includes watching porn. In Jesus' view, sexual desire was meant to be fulfilled within the genius of marriage, which can be defined as two sides living sacrificially and wholly for one another. Scientifically speaking, humans are wired to crave this oneness.  A case could be made that porn, by its very nature, is antithetical to attachment theory. This may sound super out of place in a culture where hook-ups are the norm and apps like Tinder have essentially commodified people with a simple swipe. But the science says that our ideal sexual environment is one that is a safe space with a committed, loving partner who we can openly communicate and express our feelings with and which we feel secure with. Dr. Sue Johnson, one of the world’s top authorities on relationships and sex, says of porn: “[Porn] completely divorces sex from emotional attachment, the springboard for optimal sex, which requires mutual engagement, attunement, and responsiveness. Porn reduced sex to sensation -- intercourse and orgasm -- and eliminates any connection to or respect for the user’s partner.”

So how does Jesus advocate that we curb our porn habit? “If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body go into hell.” (Mt. 5:28-30) If you didn’t catch it, this is an obvious play on words from Jesus, but his point is clear.  We must put guardrails in place.  To avoid the temptation of indulging our late-night habit, we need to be vigilant about protecting what we allow to enter our atmosphere.  The English word porn actually shares the same etymology (root) as the Greek word porneia. And the original followers of Jesus used strong language for how we’re to deal with porneia, telling us to “flee” from it. This brings images to mind of a soldier running for a place of safety on the battlefield. Or perhaps in more recent memory, a Ukrainian family fleeing their home country to get out of the Russian war zone. In a cultural moment where there is a steady stream of both conscious and subconscious messaging to satiate our desires, the language of “fleeing” might sound extreme.  Really? Flee? I’m in control of my own body… Yet science has only served to confirm this idea that scripture originally proposed. Dr. Anna Lembke, director of addiction medicine at Stanford University, explains the critical role of self-binding in her 2021 bestseller Dopamine Nation.

“[Self-binding] is the way we intentionally and willingly create barriers between ourselves and our drug of choice in order to mitigate compulsive overconsumption.”

This process requires humility, acknowledging our need to flee and self-bind. As humans, we have limitations. We are not as “in control” as we’d like to think we are. And thus, we need to be proactive in our approach to curbing our porn habits and overcoming our porn addictions. Lembke speaks to this when she says: “Self-binding openly recognizes the limitations of will. The key to creating effective self-binding is first to acknowledge the loss of voluntariness we experience when under the spell of a powerful compulsion, and to bind ourselves while we still possess the capacity for voluntary choice.” The metaphor of being under a “spell” is compelling. It can often feel like that in the moment, when the urge to indulge our porn addiction feels insurmountable. To which Lembke explains: “If we wait until we feel the compulsion to use, the reflexive pull of seeking pleasure and/or avoiding pain is nearly impossible to resist. In the throes of desire, there’s no deciding. But by creating tangible barriers between ourselves and our drug of choice, we press the pause button between desire and action.” So how does this play out, in practical terms?

As the name suggests, physical self-binding involves, “[creating] literal physical barriers and/or geographical distance between ourselves and our drug of choice,” says Dr. Lembke. Not limited to just porn addictions, some real-life examples from her patients include:

• • “I unplugged my TV and put it in my closet.” 
  • “I banished my game console to the garage.” 
  • “I don’t use credit cards. Only cash.” 
  • “I call hotels beforehand to ask them to remove the minibar.” 
  • “I call hotels beforehand to ask them to remove the minibar and the television.” 
  • “I put my iPad in a safety deposit box at Bank of America.”

 Astonishingly enough, scientists have started recognizing the need to set up physical self-binding strategies on a cellular level. Naltrexone creates a “lock” on our opioid receptors, which has been used for a variety of addictions including alcohol, shopping and gaming. Which goes to say, it’s clear that setting up physical boundaries or limits around porn can help staving off the urge to watch it. James Clear, author of the popular self-help book Atomic Habits, famously outlined the benefit of leaving your phone in the other room while you work. That may sound silly, but Clear argues that the simple act of creating resistance or a barrier to checking your phone lessens your likelihood of wanting to use it.  The same principle can apply here, as you learn how to quit porn by making it way harder to access. To be clear, this doesn't mean the porn addiction will go away entirely. However, think about it like this:  Would you put a fresh, hot pizza under your nose if you were fasting? No. In the same way, there are effective tools to reduce the desire and access of porn. And they are just that: tools. Tools are helpful guardrails, but they ultimately don't change the heart. Think of them as means to an end.  Here's a list of a few non-exhaustive practices and boundaries you can implement: Screen Time Restrictions: Both iPhones and Androids alike have some kind of screen time tracking and restrictions. As a starting point, you can restrict yourself from accessing certain websites in the first place. Or if an outlet like Youtube or Instagram is a "gateway" to watching porn, you can also set limits on that. Again, the goal isn't legalism, but rather putting up guardrails to stop yourself from going too far or falling over the edge.  Put Your Phone to Bed: You may have heard your parents say that nothing good happens after midnight. There's some truth to that. If you know you're prone to making bad decisions when you're at your most exhausted, don't give your phone or computer prime real estate near your bed. Consider turning your phone on "do not disturb" and leaving it outside your room or in a drawer before bed. This is helpful not only to combat a porn addiction, but also a healthy practice for sleep in general. The blue light from our phones and other screens can have detrimental effects on our sleep, and diving into things on our phone right before bed can leave us stressed and restless.  Recognize Your Triggers: Taking someone on a strict diet to McDonald's would be highly unfair to them, unless they have insane willpower. Even the whiff of salty fries can make our mouths water and inundate our brains with I want this now feelings. It's similar with porn usage. Perhaps it starts with something softcore, such as watching someone in a swimsuit. As we described earlier, that can up the demand for more and more stimulation. Consider what "sets you off" when it comes to your porn addiction. 

On a meta level, the way society casually talks about porn can be problematic.  If it’s framed as no biggie, it slowly becomes more normalized, if not encouraged. The classic "locker room talk" often devolves into bragging about one's sexual accomplishments. And right now, society's narrative around porn is that it's a "release" or a way of exploring your sexuality.  However, most people watching are unaware that porn content fuels the objectification of women and minorities. "Research shows that when someone is watching porn, they are likely participating in sexual objectification," says Fight the New Drug.  A joint study from Princeton and Stanford also found research suggesting that "sexualized women are more closely associated with being the objects, not the agents, of action as compared to clothed women."  In our first blog on this series, Your Brain on Porn, we tackled the dark underbelly of the porn industry. Porn fuels and finances the sex trafficking industry, and many people, especially refugees and vulnerable women, are forced into participation.  There's no way to verify whether or not porn was voluntary or forced. And the more that porn is consumed, the more these industries flourish.  We also discussed the harmful impacts on your brain, such as the destruction of important dopamine receptors that "game the system" and give us a false dopamine rush without doing much actual work to get there.  By sharing this information, the goal is not to guilt other people, but to raise awareness. Back in the day smoking cigarettes was encouraged by doctors and health agencies, and everyone did it. Cigarettes were even part of a soldier's rations.  That isn't the case anymore, not because people randomly decided to stop smoking, but because awareness was raised about its damaging effects.  Once you become aware of something, you can change both your own porn addiction and influence those around you. This doesn't mean you have to be a moral crusader on the subject, but you can help shift perspectives of those around you through simple conversations. While it's not up to us to convince them to change, planting a small seed of new information can cause people to stop, think, and consider.  Changing the language and narrative, while also continuing to educate yourself on porn's detrimental impacts on your brain, your self-esteem, and the world around you, will most certainly play an impact on how you interact with porn going forward. The change may feel subtle, but it's nonetheless still important. 

You've probably heard that people trying to quit smoking or drinking find an alternative, and don't just go cold turkey. They often temporarily replace the addiction with something less harmful, such as nicotine gum in the case of smoking, or alcohol-free beer in the case of alcoholism.  There are healthy, reliable alternatives to getting a similar dopamine, endorphin-producing rush. Our brains are often spinning the moment we desire porn, but if we are to learn how to stop watching porn and stop ourselves from even taking the bait, we might forget about the initial craving in the first place.  What are some practical "replacements?"  Exercise: You get a dopamine rush from exercising, but unlike porn, it must be earned through physical activity. As mentioned before, our smartphones, computers, and TVs, and other dopamine-producing devices in our lives "game the system." This applies not just to porn, but other senses of accomplishment. We swipe right on Tinder and have instant intimacy. We share a post on Instagram and get a bunch of validation.  Harvard psychiatrist Kevin Majeres has done extensive research into this, and concludes that the more we depend on these false rewards, we'll need more and more to be satisfied.  Think about going to the movies these days. Certain special effects aren't even that impressive because we've been so conditioned to expect a certain level of stimulation.  Exercise doesn't have to be a body-builder's regimen. Even walking 10 minutes a day has been proven to have myriad health benefits, such as healthier hearts, improved brain function, better sleep, and reduced anxiety/depression, says the CDC. If you don't already, consider exercising daily and monitor how that impacts your desire or hunger for porn. Odds are if you're getting that dopamine rush elsewhere, you won't be as dependent on porn for it.  Prayer / Mindfulness: You may or may not be a person of faith, but stopping to consider and examine the weight of your decisions is important regardless. If you are a follower of Jesus, for instance, coming to God in prayer, even in the heat of the moment, is liberating. Asking God for help in that moment instead of being swallowed by shame can flip the narrative and remind you that God is for you and wants to be your refuge and help in that situation.  And if you're not religious, you can still stop, take a deep breath, and remember there's grace. You don't have to beat yourself up for said decision. You can even re-route through exercise or another dopamine-producing hobby.

In some situations, porn addictions and porn habits are a byproduct of loneliness and insecurity.  If you feel unloved or a lack of intimacy in your life, it makes sense that you'd turn to other sources. This isn’t to suggest that only single people watch porn, which clearly isn’t the case. People dissatisfied or lonely in their relationship may turn to porn use to cope, which can be an influencing factor towards divorce. A recent Time Magazine article cited a bevy of research studies that found people are more likely to divorce when they start watching porn. In either case, the lack of community or someone to process feelings with can play a huge role. If you're insecure in yourself and don't have people in your life affirming you or building you up, you might turn to pornography as either a distraction or a means of feeling like you accomplished something or proved your worth. It may feel uncomfortable to share with a friend or community at first, and we're certainly not advocating for sharing your porn addiction with any random person. However, a trusted network of people, or even one specific confidant (whether that be a friend, family member, or counselor) can non-judgmentally keep you on track with the mission. It goes without saying that this trusted network of individuals also have to share the same philosophy on porn, which goes back to changing the language. Nonetheless, this idea might appear to be absurd to some, especially in cultures where toxic masculinity is heavily ingrained. But take Alcoholic Anonymous for example. Many who've sat in on AA meetings have confessed that it's one of the most beautiful expressions of community they've ever seen. People are brutally honest with one another, but it's because they're unwavering in their mission to rid themselves of addiction and instead thrive.  Accountability is helpful anytime you're trying to accomplish something, whether it's a fitness, academic, or work goal. However, it may be initially difficult to broach the conversation around porn. How does someone even keep you accountable with porn? Are they hovering over your shoulder every time you open up your phone or computer? Jokes aside, there are some simple tools out there that can help with this. Covenant Eyes, for instance, is a browser that sends a weekly report to a person of your choosing. They can then see if your search history contained porn, and in turn help you process. The software itself also has preventive measures in place that can help filter out unwanted content, similar to what we talked about in the last section.  "But what if I don't want any of my friends or family to know? Isn't that embarrassing?" That's a valid point. Sometimes turning to an objective source of accountability can be more beneficial, depending on your situation. If you go to therapy or counseling, this could be a great outlet for processing porn and getting to the why.

Ultimately, replacements, self-binding, community, and accountability are all wonderful tools towards learning how to quit porn. However, it can't be overstated that overcoming porn addictions and porn habits goes back to a change of heart, accompanied by patience and grace.  The hope is that you'd get to the point where you're not just willpowering through or making it about checking off boxes so you robotically learn how to quit porn. Meaningful change comes from a shift in heart and mind, and an underlying grace that even if you make tons of progress and do mess up again, you're not a failure.  And if it is helpful to consider another lens: what’s the cost of not changing? It's one thing to hear and be aware; it's another to do and change.  James, an author of scripture, says that "anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like someone who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like."  While James was referring to remembering and living out the way of Jesus, the same premise can apply here. We can easily fall into the trap of nodding in agreement without actually taking the steps to change.  If we don't, the cycle of porn addictions and porn habits will only continue. The cost is not only great to us, but those around us. It's important to recognize that what we do as one individual person may only feel like a drop in a bucket, but can create a ripple effect that continues to impact others near and far.  And if you're a follower of Jesus, remember that his mercies are new every morning. That's not an excuse to avoid taking the steps to dealing with our porn addiction, but rather an encouragement that God doesn't see you for your mistakes. He is with us and for us. Nonetheless, shame can still feel like too heavy an obstacle to bear. Which is why we’re encouraged to take every thought captive. When thoughts and temptations come, we can combat them with the better word that Jesus speaks over us.  In the end, meaningful change comes from a genuine inward change, not just external fixes. Use whatever practical steps that are helpful, but also take time to process the journey. As we talked about earlier, sex in the right context is a wonderful gift. We run the risk of robbing said gift by constantly gaming the system and taking shortcuts to get the reward.  TL;DR: Be patient with yourself and the process. And don't try to go it alone.